Facebook Jokes

We have collected most of the Status in English for WhatsApp, Websites and Facebook. I hope you like it. This collection is dedicated to all Facebook Visitor

• Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.

• It’s just Facebook, I wish people would keep it real and stop frontin.

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, i am afraid of widths.

• You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.

• Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

• I wish I could google “things to eat in my “fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

• Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

• If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem..

• Don’t be afraid to make mistakes..

• The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

• Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.

• All work and no play, will make you a manager.

• If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

• Why can’t shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time?

• It`s too late to apologize. The damage is done.

• you`re sorry ? that`s cool. go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.

• Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and i throw a rock at it who wins?

• If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.

• My friend has just updated his status saying. Is balancing on the edge of a cliff.. So i poked him.

• I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.

• Next time someone presses the elevator button you’ve already pressed, act totally impressed and tell them they did it waaaay better than you..

• thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”

• Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.

• Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?

• Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside ..So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

• It’s raining, It’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!

• Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired..

• That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.

• Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”

• I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

• Life is hard normally, but its harder if you are Stupid.

• Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.

• Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?

• Is your name Summer.? because you are as hot as hell.

• I hate when my mind wont shut up when I’m trying to sleep..

• If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.

• Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.

• If you want to commit suicide, you should jump down from your ego to your IQ.

• It used to be, “Can I have your number”? Now it’s, Do you have Facebook..

• just found out that if you hold Ctrl and w for 10 seconds it turns your Facebook page from Blue to Red

• I think all woman can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account

• Tired of everyone talking about their feelings on Facebook lol..

• You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.

• Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet…

• If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

• Finally found out that the plant I’ve been watering isn’t real…

• One of my mom’s rules growing up was never to write on walls, well apparently Facebook doesn’t have that rule.

• Ah, Facebook, where it is socially acceptable to talk to a wall…

• If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..

• Laziness is my middle name.

• Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. Sincerely, Bored.

• Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.

• Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.

• When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”

• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

• If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand – it’s fun while you’re doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.

• Lary is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?

• If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

• Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

• Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

• I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.

• Facebook, because time isn’t going to kill itself.

• Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.

• Is there a rehab for Facebook addiction?

• Stealing other people’s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.

• I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.

• I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.

• I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy.

• I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, If I die next Tuesday.

• When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

• Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

• When someone adds me as a friend on Facebook, the first thing I do is go through all their pictures.

• Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots..

• Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining..

• Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

• I promised my friends that I wouldn’t date bad girls anymore.

• I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

• Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

• Please help the homeless. Take me home with you.

• My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

• Insert coin to view my status message.

• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

• I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.

• It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. :)

• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

• I want you to have a candle-lit dinner and say those magical three words to you ………… “Pay The bill”

• My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.

• Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

• Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

• God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

• Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ :)

• You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.

• Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones to make.

• You have lot of curves and I have no brakes ;)

• I haven’t slept for ten days, bcoz that would be too long.

• Bitch also stands for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.

• Why do U think I SMS You? Is it because I care? Or I miss You? Or I love You? Or I need You? No ! It’s because I need a person for just time pass. :)

• If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

• I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

• Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

• I don’t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

• Taking revenge is wrong… very very wrong… But very very fun…

• Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.

• A hot secretary came angrily out Of boss cabin. Her colleague asked: What Happened? You went inside in a happy mood. She replied: He asked me are you free tonight? I said absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!

• They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?

• Hey, you have eyes, I have eyes, we have a lot in common!

• Men are like parking spaces; The good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped.

• You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

• Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

• Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?

• Death is God’s way of saying you are fired. Suicide is humans way of saying, I quit.

• My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. Lolz

• There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients :)

• Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?

• I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent :)

• We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.

• Dear math, Im not therapist so solve your own problems.

• Today’s Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME :)

• The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.

• I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot.

• You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz

• Dear Facebook, Just wait, one day they will leave you too. Sincerely, ORKUT

• Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.

• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

• My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.

• Insert coin to view my status messages.

• Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

• Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

• Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me. Sincerely Wikipedia

• I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.

• How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape :)

• Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?

• FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute…… Ummm, wanna work out?

• Whatever you do always give 100% ….. Unless you are donating blood :)

• I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.

• I never let my best friend do stupid things … alone.

• We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up …….. after I finish laughing :)

• I did in the bed. I did it on the couch. I did it in the car. Texting is such an obsession. :)

• Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

• Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.

• How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

• Dear parents, we know money doesn’t grow on trees, that’s why we are asking you for it.

• I’m not stalker. I am an unpaid private investigator.

• I have a date tonight, with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.

• Instead of single as a marital status, it should read independently, owned and operated :)

• Congratulations … You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

• Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Lolz

• I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday :)

• A fast beating heart doesnt always mean Love… A blushing face isnot always a sign that your inlove… Sometimes huboGLANG! HAHAH

• A man died and sent to Heaven. God was surprised to see his Heart still beating. . God asked him, how come? The man replied, “I’m Dead but my Wife still lives in my Heart”. ;)

• When I die I want my body to donate for research, but more specifically to a scientist who is working on bringing dead bodies back to life.

• Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.

• My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

• When your GF blocks u on facebook…… Its called an electronic divorce :)

• If people could see the face I make when I read their facebook status updates, they would probably unfriend me.

• I love it when someone’s laugh is funnier than the joke.

• Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

• Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :)

• Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a girls brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

• We are the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

• It’s not true that I had nothing ON….. The radio was ON. :)

• There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.

• I hate when skinny girls say,”omg I’m so fat”. If you are fat does that make me a whale?

• I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Tuesday.

• The real reason women live longer than men b’coz they don’t have to live with women.

• Don’t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain’t. :)

• Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)

• I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)

• I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

• Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

• Status I didn’t fall down, I attacked the floor.

• In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth… After that, everything else was Made in China.

• Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

• A boy commented on his Facebook status Happy New Year The girl wrote in comments Same to you The boy edited the status to – I love you!!!

• I’m Not Anti-Social I’m Anti Idiot!

• Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

• Before you take me away, i just want to update my profile picture….

• At late night wife’s mobile beeps. Husband checks her mobile and gets angry. He wakes his wife. Husband (angrily): Who is the person saying beautiful? Surprised wife checks her mobile. Wife (double angrily): Heyyy.. Use your spectacles. it is not beautiufl. it is battery full…

• It’s ok to talk to yourself, it’s even ok to answer yourself.. But when you ask yourself to repeat what you just said- you have a problem!

• Teacher: Tell me the name of any Microsoft Product? Bunty: MS Excel Lucky: MS Word Bittu: MS Powerpoint . . . . Santa after thinking a lot, “MS Dhoni” tongue emoticon

• My age is very inappropriate for my behavior..

• Facebook is like a fridge. you keep checking it, but there’s nothing good.

• A fast beating heart doesn’t always mean love…. A blushing face is not always a sign that your inlove…. Sometimes huboG lang!! Hahahaha

• Hi Sweetie how was schook Today?? you can read all about it on my facebook DAD!!!

• Free Beauty Advice for Girls… if you want A good profile picture for your facebook profile… Without wrinkles without pimples without dark Marks Use”Adobe photoshop”

• Behind every successful status update there is Ctrl+c & cntrl +V …

• What is facebook????? its a place where boy posts joke, gets no responce & if girl posts the same joke, gets 150 likes & 56 friend requests!!!!

• Being popular on facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a ental hospital!!

• hen Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you die.

• Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.

• Autocorrect can kiss my ask..!!

• Yo mama so stupid she stuck her face into a book to make a Facebook.

• You want a perfect girl? Go buy a barbie.

• I don’t always go to the gym, but when I do, I make sure Facebook knows about it.

• Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.

• My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.

• A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, all you do is play games.

• Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

• I am making it my job to put the “fun” back into “funeral.”

• My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

• Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.

• Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.

• Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

• I forgot to post on Facebook I was going to the gym. Now this whole workout was a waste of time.

• If you can’t Change a Girl…..Change the Girl.

• Why is Facebook like Jail? “You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don’t really know!”

• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a MENTAL HOSPITAL.

• Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there’s nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.