We have collected most of the Status in English for WhatsApp, Websites and Facebook. I hope you like it. This collection is dedicated to all Facebook Visitor
Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.
It’s just Facebook, I wish people would keep it real and stop frontin.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, i am afraid of widths.
You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
I wish I could google “things to eat in my “fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.
If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem..
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes..
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Vote Up Vote Down My Facebook wall is broken.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Why can’t shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time?
It`s too late to apologize. The damage is done.
you`re sorry ? that`s cool. go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.
Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and i throw a rock at it who wins?
If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.
My friend has just updated his status saying. Is balancing on the edge of a cliff.. So i poked him.
I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects, says, Oops, I’m sorry. And doesn’t stop to ask himself why he’s talking to a wall.
Next time someone presses the elevator button you’ve already pressed, act totally impressed and tell them they did it waaaay better than you..
thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”
Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside ..So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
It’s raining, It’s pouring. Facebook is boring. I’m bored to death, I’m going to bed, hopefully we’ll meet in the morning!
Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It`s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired..
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.
Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”
I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Life is hard normally, but its harder if you are Stupid.
Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.
Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?
Is your name Summer.? because you are as hot as hell.
I hate when my mind wont shut up when I’m trying to sleep..
If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.
Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.
If you want to commit suicide, you should jump down from your ego to your IQ.
It used to be, “Can I have your number”? Now it’s, Do you have Facebook..
just found out that if you hold Ctrl and w for 10 seconds it turns your Facebook page from Blue to Red
I think all woman can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account
Tired of everyone talking about their feelings on Facebook lol..
You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet…
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Finally found out that the plant I’ve been watering isn’t real…
One of my mom’s rules growing up was never to write on walls, well apparently Facebook doesn’t have that rule.
Ah, Facebook, where it is socially acceptable to talk to a wall…
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
Laziness is my middle name.
Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. Sincerely, Bored.
Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.
Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.
When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito.”
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand – it’s fun while you’re doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.
Lary is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?
If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?
Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.
Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.
I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.
Facebook, because time isn’t going to kill itself.
Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.
Is there a rehab for Facebook addiction?
Stealing other people’s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.
I never get mad when i see my ex with someone else because i was always taught to recycle my old trash.
I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, If I die next Tuesday.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
When someone adds me as a friend on Facebook, the first thing I do is go through all their pictures.
Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots..
Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining..
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
I promised my friends that I wouldn’t date bad girls anymore.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Please help the homeless. Take me home with you.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Insert coin to view my status message.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. :)
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I want you to have a candle-lit dinner and say those magical three words to you ………… “Pay The bill”
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ :)
You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.
Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones to make.
You have lot of curves and I have no brakes ;)
I haven’t slept for ten days, bcoz that would be too long.
Bitch also stands for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.
Why do U think I SMS You? Is it because I care? Or I miss You? Or I love You? Or I need You? No ! It’s because I need a person for just time pass. :)
If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.
I don’t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Taking revenge is wrong… very very wrong… But very very fun…
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.
A hot secretary came angrily out Of boss cabin. Her colleague asked: What Happened? You went inside in a happy mood. She replied: He asked me are you free tonight? I said absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
Hey, you have eyes, I have eyes, we have a lot in common!
Men are like parking spaces; The good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped.
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?
Death is God’s way of saying you are fired. Suicide is humans way of saying, I quit.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. Lolz
There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients :)
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?
I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent :)
We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.
Dear math, Im not therapist so solve your own problems.
Today’s Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME :)
The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.
I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot.
You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz
Dear Facebook, Just wait, one day they will leave you too. Sincerely, ORKUT
Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.
Insert coin to view my status messages.
Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P
Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me. Sincerely Wikipedia
I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.
How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape :)
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?
FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute…… Ummm, wanna work out?
Whatever you do always give 100% ….. Unless you are donating blood :)
I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
I never let my best friend do stupid things … alone.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up …….. after I finish laughing :)
I did in the bed. I did it on the couch. I did it in the car. Texting is such an obsession. :)
Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.
How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.
Dear parents, we know money doesn’t grow on trees, that’s why we are asking you for it.
I’m not stalker. I am an unpaid private investigator.
I have a date tonight, with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.
Instead of single as a marital status, it should read independently, owned and operated :)
Congratulations … You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Lolz
I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday :)
A fast beating heart doesnt always mean Love… A blushing face isnot always a sign that your inlove… Sometimes huboGLANG! HAHAH
A man died and sent to Heaven. God was surprised to see his Heart still beating. . God asked him, how come? The man replied, “I’m Dead but my Wife still lives in my Heart”. ;)
When I die I want my body to donate for research, but more specifically to a scientist who is working on bringing dead bodies back to life.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
When your GF blocks u on facebook…… Its called an electronic divorce :)
If people could see the face I make when I read their facebook status updates, they would probably unfriend me.
I love it when someone’s laugh is funnier than the joke.
Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :)
Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a girls brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left.
We are the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
It’s not true that I had nothing ON….. The radio was ON. :)
There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.
I hate when skinny girls say,”omg I’m so fat”. If you are fat does that make me a whale?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Tuesday.
The real reason women live longer than men b’coz they don’t have to live with women.
Don’t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain’t. :)
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Status I didn’t fall down, I attacked the floor.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth… After that, everything else was Made in China.
Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
A boy commented on his Facebook status Happy New Year The girl wrote in comments Same to you The boy edited the status to – I love you!!!
I’m Not Anti-Social I’m Anti Idiot!
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Before you take me away, i just want to update my profile picture….
At late night wife’s mobile beeps. Husband checks her mobile and gets angry. He wakes his wife. Husband (angrily): Who is the person saying beautiful? Surprised wife checks her mobile. Wife (double angrily): Heyyy.. Use your spectacles. it is not beautiufl. it is battery full…
It’s ok to talk to yourself, it’s even ok to answer yourself.. But when you ask yourself to repeat what you just said- you have a problem!
Teacher: Tell me the name of any Microsoft Product? Bunty: MS Excel Lucky: MS Word Bittu: MS Powerpoint . . . . Santa after thinking a lot, “MS Dhoni” tongue emoticon
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior..
Facebook is like a fridge. you keep checking it, but there’s nothing good.
A fast beating heart doesn’t always mean love…. A blushing face is not always a sign that your inlove…. Sometimes huboG lang!! Hahahaha
Hi Sweetie how was schook Today?? you can read all about it on my facebook DAD!!!
Free Beauty Advice for Girls… if you want A good profile picture for your facebook profile… Without wrinkles without pimples without dark Marks Use”Adobe photoshop”
Behind every successful status update there is Ctrl+c & cntrl +V …
What is facebook????? its a place where boy posts joke, gets no responce & if girl posts the same joke, gets 150 likes & 56 friend requests!!!!
Being popular on facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a ental hospital!!
hen Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you die.
Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.
Autocorrect can kiss my ask..!!
Yo mama so stupid she stuck her face into a book to make a Facebook.
You want a perfect girl? Go buy a barbie.
I don’t always go to the gym, but when I do, I make sure Facebook knows about it.
Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, all you do is play games.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I am making it my job to put the “fun” back into “funeral.”
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
I forgot to post on Facebook I was going to the gym. Now this whole workout was a waste of time.
If you can’t Change a Girl…..Change the Girl.
Why is Facebook like Jail? “You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don’t really know!”
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a MENTAL HOSPITAL.
Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there’s nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.
