Funny Facebook Status

• Before talking; Please connect the tongue to the brain!

• If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.

• I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…

• Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…

• If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.

• Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..

• I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

• Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

• For every girl without a guy, there`s a guy without a girl.

• Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

• I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!

• You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

• The awkward moment when you know you shouldn`t laugh, but you do..

• I am a star, so when you see me, make a wish.

• I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

• That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.

• Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does..

• I`m not single. I`m in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

• Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

• My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.

• There are no stupid questions, just stupid people..

• That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

• Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…

• Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.

• Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition..

• Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

• Your eye is the only part you can not wash with soap.

• One day, I’m gonna make the onions cry..

• If Facebook is the Upper West Side and MySpace is the Bronx, then Tagged is a trailer park in New Jersey.

• You can not get lost on a straight road.

• When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

• I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

• Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.

• Life is too short, smile while you still have teeth..

• Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!

• I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

• Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives.

• Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

• I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing..

• You and your rumors have two things in common, you’re both fake and you both get around.

• If life give you lemons, squirt your enemy’s eye..

• Well, We have a poke button, now we need a punch and pinch and kick button..

• Facebook is a crazy house People poke each other all day have an imaginary pet farm and talk to walls

• I don’t have issues, I have demonds and they are the ones with issues

• I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.

• Sometimes the only one who can appreciate you, is you.

• I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..

• I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…

• I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..

• If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..

• When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me..

• Thinks if Peter Piper picked peppers and Jack and Jill ran up the hill and Mary took her lamb to school, wasn’t Humpty Dumpty lazy just sitting on a wall?

• The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

• I bet that in prison everyone’s FB relationship status is set to it’s complicated.

• I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

• Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• When we are bored we get on Facebook, then we get bored on Facebook so we get off then 15 min later back on. its an endless cycle..

• Remember, when she cancels a date she has to But when he cancels a date he has TWO.

• A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM

• Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to write on a wall.

• Harush says if you want to be together you have TO-GET-HER.

• I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

• Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.

• I don’t get it, all my life I was told NOT to write on walls.

• Behave, What you do today will be on Facebook tomorrow.

• Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..

• Growing older is compulsory Growing up, however, remains optional.

• The best way to look younger, hang out with older people.

• I’m usually charming, nice, and well manured, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now..

• If you like me press like. If you hate me, go away. If you love me comment.

• Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook talking never updates anything.

• Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it’s called a credit card.

• I need 6months vacation, twice a year..

• I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.

• That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.

• Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

• Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

• Hi, Im Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

• While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

• Lovely days in my life : Childhood Days, School Days & collage Days, Horrible days in my life : ONLY EXAM DAYS :)

• Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.

• My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking, I’ll rent a boat…..

• If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS

• Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

• I have a Date tonight, Woot Woot! (of course its with the couch, pillow and TV Remote, but its still a date. Right?)

• It’s Christmas and 2015 is coming closer to an end! what’s the funniest thing you remember me doing this year??

• Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

• C.L.A.S.S – Come Late And Start Sleeping

• Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.

• A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”

• I’ll be a billionaire once I’m done inventing this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.

• If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.

• The hardest job facing kids today is to learn good manners without seeing any.

• Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.

• I wish I could google “things to eat in my fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

• If money grew on trees – girls wouldn’t mind dating monkeys.

• The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

• I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

• Do you know what’d look good on you? Me :)

• When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…

• FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block :( THE END

• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

• Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”.

• Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

• Im a math teacher. One plus two equals me and you

• Excuse me is your last name Gillette? …because you are the best a man can get!

• When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

• The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

• You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world.

• The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

• Do you have the time? ………………… O No, the time to write down my number? :)

• I speak two languages, Body and English.

• How can i miss something i never had?

• BRB = I don’t want to talk to you. LOL = I have nothing else to say. Cool = I don’t care.

• If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

• I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste :)

• I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and i’m still at school.

• Kiss me and you will see how important I am.

• If you can’t find the key to success, pick the lock.

• Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.

• Everything I like is either Illegal, Immoral, Fattening, Addictive, Expensive, or Impossible.

• One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

• I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate … but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

• Teacher: Who can explain gender discrimination with an example? Student: Women can sleep with whoever they want ,men have to sleep with whoever lets them!

• Do you know the meaning og ABCDEF? A boy can do everything for Girl. Reverse the meaning of, GFEDCBA … Girl forget everything done & Catches new boy Again.

• Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.

• There are alot of fish in the sea, but I think there’s a hole in my net :)

• Want to learn how to dance? Have a cold shower today at midnight, I bet, You’ll rock like SHAKIRA :)

• If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

• Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.

• The question I have not been able to answer is “What… does a woman want?”

• Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.

• If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.

• Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.

• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

• You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

• You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.

• Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, And then look at neighbouring table n wish you”d ordered that.

• Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a train, fall in love and never return.

• My name is I. My problem is love. My solution is you.

• If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror :D

• The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

• Caution, Blind Man Driving.

• Milk does the body good but DAMN how much did you drink?

• If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.

• The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

• Boys think of girls like books; if the cover doesn’t catch their eyes, they won’t even bother to read what’s inside.

• I feel like a Indiana Jones, because you are the treasure I am looking for.

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.

• I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

• Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them :)

• God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China :)

• Friday is my second favorite F word.

• For all the girls that say ….. All guys are the same …… Who told you to try them ALL.

• Every girl deserves ONE GUY who looks at her every day like it’s the first time he saw her. And Im that ONE GUY :)

• I think I got a fever, a fever of you :)

• I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday :)

• Please GOD if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.

• For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember thats where the knives are kept. :)

• I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

• If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.

• Its better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat.

• Most emotional moment in a boys life, When a girl says, Can you give me your number :D

• Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

• Definition of human being: a creature that cuts trees, makes paper & write “SAVE TREES” on the same paper.

• Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you Guys.

• I don’t believe that love comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt. LOLz

• Dear Food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat :)

• It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.

• I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice :)

• If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking :)

• I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :)

• All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

• Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.

• Excuse me …. Plesae empty your pockets …. I think you stole my heart.

• Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW.

• I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi :)

• I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat :)

• Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

• Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

• The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

• I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won :)

• Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

• How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday :)

• Nothing is illegal until you get caught :)

• Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

• Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. :)

• Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

• The definition of a beautiful girl is one who loves me :)

• I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something :)

• Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.

• I am sure I have a defective iphone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.

• Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.

• The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is “Salary is Credited” :)

• Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.

• Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.

• Flirtationship: More than a friendship and less than a relationship.

• Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

• In bed, it’s 6AM you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 7:45. At school it’s 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 1:31

• I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)

• GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.

• I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep :)

• Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels. (From All Bachelor Girls Association) :)

• A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

• When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

• The human brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exam or are in love.

• My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.

• One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions :)

• I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice :)

• If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.

• I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. :)

• There’s like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world … huh

• Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.

• I don’t usually sleep enough, but when I do, it’s still not enough ;)

• My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lolz

• The only thing I gained so far in 2013 is weight :)

• I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

• TODAY has been cencelled. Go back to BED :)

• I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. :)

• Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

• At least mosquitos are attracted to me.

• Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you are so damn funny.

• I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.

• It is a sad fact that 20% of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the remaining end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones.

• When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

• Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D

• Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)

• My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lol

• If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)

• I am not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time . . . . . . . . . lunch time, break time, bed time, this time, that time, any time, all the time. :)

• Smtimes its better to bunk the class instead of attending it Cause today wen I look back, my marks never make me laugh but mmories d…

• Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.

• I Like to study ‘. arithmetic, NO ‘. world history, NO ‘. chemistry, NO ‘. GIRLS, YES!!!

• Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship!! :P

• People call me mike .. You can call me tonight.. :p

• In Modern Politics, Even The Leader Of The Free World Needs Help From The Sultan Of Facebookistan!!!

• C.L.A.S.S- come late and start sleeping :)

• When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians…

• Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_

• Everything is 10x funnier when you are not supposed to laugh.

• People who exercise live longer, but what’s the point when those extra years are spent at jym.

• Relationship Status: Looking for a WiFi connection.

• It may look like I’m deep in thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food to eat later.

• Checking your symptoms on Google and accepting that fact that you’re going to die.

• When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

• Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

• Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

• We are WTF generation …. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook :D

• Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL

• It’s been 70+ years, Tom. You’re never going to eat Jerry :)

• Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

• I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!

• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

• My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death..!!

• When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians…

• Whoever says “Good Morning” on Monday’s deserves to get slapped :)

• Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.

• Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software…it’s called #Monday, please fix it

• A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”

• Always wear cute pajamas to bed you’ll never know who you will meet in your dreams.

• Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.

• God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me :P

• Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

• When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…

• I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.

• My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

• Life is too short smile while you still have teeth…

• My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.

• I’m Jealous Of My Parents… I’ll Never Have A Kid As Cool As Theirs!

• Here my dad comes on whatsapp… From now on my status would be ‘***no status***’ or just a smiley…

• I Have Good News And Bad News To Tell You. The Bad News? I Have No Good News. And The Good News? I Have No Bad News.

• Open Books, Not Legs. Blow Minds, Not Guy[/quote]

• My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.

• Someone on his status “Sleeping” …since 3 Days! He’s Probably dead.

• A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”

• Wow now I’m a graduate…….Now thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains .

• It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing…

• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

• Life is Short – Chat Fast!

• Who needs television when there is so much drama on Facebook.

• Everythings funnier when youre supposed to be quiet..

• I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes!!

• What’s good about being single? you can always flirt with anyone. you can go anywhere without someone behind your back. you can do whatever you want. and what ‘s the best about being single? No one make you cry :) :)

• Save water drink beer.

• Girls, if he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs. send him to KFC.

• You can never buy Love….But still you have to pay for it ..

• I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.

• I love my job only when I’m on vacation…..

• Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

• If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.

• Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”

• The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

• I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.

• I know the world isn’t going to end in 2015 because my yogurt expires in 2016!

• I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

• Teacher -“Where is the CAPITAL of out COUNTRY???” Student -“in Swiss Banks” lolx.

• Being single is fun….

• Love thy neighbor. But don’t get caught.

• My week is basically …Monday–>Monday#2–>Monday#3–>Monday#4–>Friday–>Saturday–>pre-Monday

• At last got to know how to loose weight in 10 days :Just turn your head right then left and repeat whenever offered any food :) :)

• Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

• typing….

• If you want to make your dreams come true, The first thing you have to do is wake up.

• Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.

• There are 3 types of people in the world- vegetarian, non-veterinarian & Tuesday Saturday

• My heart is stolen…can I check your bra…….

• I Am Not Special , I Am Just Limited Edition :P

• My teachers always told me that if I didn’t study hard enough I’d end up working at McDonalds. Well I proved them wrong, I got a job at KFC today.

• Congratulations!!My tallest finger want to give you a standing ovation

• I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

• I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

• (._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin, they hatin

• Say this out loud fast: ”U R 2 6 C I 1 2 4 Q.”

• Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

• The best memories come from bad ideas.

• Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation..

• I have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

• A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

• Dont ruin a Good Today because of a Bad Yesterday

• The only time success comes before work is in dictionary.

• Every person you come across is a ‘People you may know’ notification.

• I want everyone to meet you. You’re my favorite person of all time.

• If I opened a camera store called Photo Shop, do you think I’d get sued by Adobe?

• Was that lightning?!” “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…

• I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

• I am such a good a cook even the smoke alarm hoots and hollers

• The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

• Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear. Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep :)

• I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?

• 99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 3%.