Hilarious Facebook Status

• If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it’s one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car!

• When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

• slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

• Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

• You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.

• Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.

• Best friends listen to what you don’t say..

• Dance like no one’s going to put it on youtube.

• Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

• Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.

• In 2013 I’m going to sit back, watch the movie 2012 and laugh..

• Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

• The best thing about being me, I’m a limited edition…there are no other copies!

• When they ask me what I liked best, I`ll tell them it was you.

• everyone calls you by your name, but only one person can make it sound special.

• Smiling does make it a little bit better.

• You`ve got two choices; you can either sit and cry, or spread your wings and fly.

• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

• I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. You are, but I wouldn’t say it.

• Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.

• Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

• Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

• War doesn’t determine who’s right, it determines who’s left.

• A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

• Nobody has a perfect life. Everybody has problems. Some people just know how to deal with it in a best way.

• Relationship with GOD is the best relationship you can have. Trust him and everything will turn out fine.

• I know GOD has bigger & better plans for me than I have for myself.

• Adjustment with right people is always better than argument with wrong ones.

• Everything will change and it is going to be beautiful and better then ever before.

• Bad attitude is like a flat tyre. You can’t reach anywhere until you change it.

• The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep scratching.

• Hurt me with the TRUTH but never comfort me with a LIE.

• Save me, I’m drowning in a sea of love!

• When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

• Be the one who everyone wants, not the one who everyone’s had.

• People tellin me I changed, that’s exactly what I’m gettin so I’ll never be the same.

• Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success. Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.

• Winners don’t do different things, they do things differently.

• People wait until they have enough time to do what they dream. It is 99% sure it will still be a dream at the end of the life.

• The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.

• Chocolate makes everything better. Except obesity

• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

• I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wifi internet.

• Press the star below and watch it glow..

• Sometimes it’s not the song that makes you emotional, It’s the people & things that come to your mind when you hear it .

• Sometimes the most important life lessons are the ones we end up learning the hard way.

• Everybody says, mistake is the first step of success but the real fact is correction of mistake is the first step of success.

• When I close my eyes, I see you. When I open my eyes, I miss you.

• Relationship is not holding hands while you understand eachother. Its about having lots of misunderstandings & still not leaving each other’s hand.

• Strong people stand up for themselves. Strogner people stand up for others.

• Life can be happier & stress free if we have all that we desire. But time will give us all that we deserve.

• Whenever you don’t understand what’s happening in your life, just close your eyes, take a deep breath and say… GOD I know it is your plan, just help me through it.

• Don’t worry about people that are in your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

• Now a days people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

• 10% of conflict is due to difference of opinion. 90% is due to the wrong tone of voice.

• It’s not being in love that makes me happy. It’s being in love with you that makes me happy.

• If you dont build your dreams, someone will hire you to build theirs.

• We always ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us.

• When someone says they have a question to ask, you think of all the bad things you have done recently.

• If you want to fly with eagles than stop swimming with ducks.

• A good understanding comes only after a long war between two hearts.

• There are two ways to get everyone to hate you. Either do something wrong or do something really right.

• Making me happy doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually your presence is just enough.

• The one who falls and gets up is much stronger than the one who never fell.

• Only difference between good day and a bad day is your attitude.

• Don’t feel bad if someone rejects you, People usually reject expensive things because they can’t afford them.

• One of the biggest flaws of people are pretending to be blind to their own mistakes but do not pretend deaf towards the mistakes of others.

• I don’t care how many people are in the world BUT I only want you.

• The longest you hide your feelings for someone, the more you fall for them.

• You can learn so much from your mistakes. So don’t regret them learn from them.

• It doesn’t matter how nice you are, as soon as you leave the room there’s always going to be someone who talk about you.

• The only people worthy to be in your life are the ones that help you through the hard times and laugh with you after the hard times pass.

• Race can not be won by accelerating on top gear but It can be won only by changing the right gear on right time.

• Go for someone whose not only proud and glad to have you, but will also take every risk and effort just to be with you.

• If you keep your eyes, mind, and heart open…love, kindness, intelligence and wisdom will enter.

• No one notices your tears, no one notices your sadness, no one notices your pain but they all notice your mistakes.

• Never say good-bye because good-bye means going away, and going away means forgetting.

• The most elastic element of the world is TIME; It maximizes the minutes when we are missing someone special and minimises the hours when we are with someone special.

• When I tell you “I love you” I don’t say it as a habit. I say it to remind you that you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

• If you don’t hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.

• Sometimes the strongest people in the morning are the people who cried all night.

• You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel.

• Everyone has that one little secret, that no one, not even your best friend, know about you.

• You can’t always control who walks into your life but you can control which window to throw them out.

• I have learned that sometimes sorry is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.

• The only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs even when I have nothing else to offer them but myself.

• Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about.

• There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

• Distance should not be a factor in a relationship but communication, trust and commitment should be.

• The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation.

• Live in such a way, that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe it.

• Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can do what others can’t.

• Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

• Don’t waste your time with explainations. People only hear what they want to hear.

• Being single is a good feeling, no drama and no heartaches. But sometimes it gets lonely and you miss that feeling of being taken.

• Many people have told me that I have changed but the truth is I think I’ve just found myself.

• Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.

• Love is when you look into someones eyes and see everything you need.

• Relationship is like standing on wet cement. The longer you stand the more difficult is to leave & even if you leave, you leave your footprints behind.

• Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.

• Heart is the greatest cheater in this world because it makes thousands of different excuses to stay in touch with the person you love.

• I’m not looking for someone who has everything but someone who has time to spend with me more than anything.

• Remember that your greatest talent is so much more powerful than your biggest fear.

• A relationship with no arguments, is a relationship with a lot of secrets.

• I wonder how many people I have looked at all my life and never seen.

• May be it’s true, may be we dont know what we have untill we have lost it. But may be it’s also true that we don’t know what we are missing until we find it.

• God give me strength to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

• Never compare your journey with someone else’s. Your journey is your journey not a competition.

• Trust me, when I woke up today I had no plans to be awesome. It just happens.

• If you love someone, show them. Because you could soon find yourself watching them walk out the door. Words mean nothing but actions mean everything

• WHY Worry? If you have done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.

• If you want to be successful you must respect one rule, never let failure take control of you.

• Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.

• Relations are like electric currents. Wrong connection will give you shocks throughout your life but the right ones light up your life.

• They ignore you now, but they will need you later.

• You don’t get to choose when or who you meet, but you do get to choose who you hold on to.

• I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.

• When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

• Good Time + Crazy Friends = Amazing Memories

• Dear God, thanks for everything. Because without you …… I am nothing.

• My phone is like my lover. It’s the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.

• If you are giving your all to one person and it’s not enough, you are giving it to the wrong person.

• Don’t change your originality for the sake of others b’coz no one else can play your role better than you.

• Disappointments are just God’s way of saying “I’ve got something better.” Be patient, live life, have faith.

• Best Friends: Make the bad times good and the good times unforgettable.

• Love the one who understands your tears, not the one who creates them.

• A man is not rewarded for having a brain but for using it well.

• If a man is allowed to select a girl from 100 girls and even if he picks the most beautiful he still FEELS the PAIN of losing the remaining NINETY NINE and Women says… men don’t have feelings.

• It isn’t the size of the gift that matters, but the size of the heart that gives it.

• I don’t know why people are more interested in other people’s life than their own.

• It hurts when someone you really trust lets you down.

• Don’t loose hope. You don’t know what tomorrow brings.

• There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

• At the end of each day be grateful for another day of life and for the next one on its way.

• In reality, no one cares, they’re just curious.

• Never regret a single moment of the journey. If it wasn’t your destination, it was preparation.

• People say: never expect anything in return from anyone but the truth is when we really LOVE someone, we naturally EXPECT a little care from them.

• When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

• Sometimes, life gives you a second chance because just maybe the first time you were not ready.

• When I like someone, I compare their last name with my first name.

• When you fall in love with someone’s personality, everything about that person tends to become beautiful.

• I don’t know how people can fake whole relationships.. I can’t even fake a hello to somebody I don’t like.

• It is not length of life, but depth of life. Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.

• That awkward moment when you think someone is talking to you, but they are actually talking on the phone.

• Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

• The only thing that could stop me from taking selfies is a photo of what I look like taking selfies.

• When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

• Decided to make a life altering decision today… When I think of it I’ll let you know

• People leave you out in the cold and get mad when you learn how to get warm by yourself.

• Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

• All my life I thought air was free…… until I bought a bag of chips.

• Ever wondered why need to pee intensifies when you are unlocking the door?

• Of Course I talk to myself, because sometimes I need Expert Advice.

• Don’t be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to succeed.

• Don’t fear the enemy that attacks you, but the false friend that hugs you. Careful who you trust don’t be naive.

• Do you know why a previous relationship is called EX? It’s not the term for the past. EX is short for EXpired.

• It’s always the wrong person who teaches you the right things in life.

• I wonder if I know the person who I am going to marry.

• That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life anymore.

• Everytime I think of you, I get the biggest smile on my face and you still don’t understand how much you mean to me.

• Respect peoples feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them.

• Human beings are very strange. They have ego of their knowledge but, they don’t have knowledge of their ego.

• I love sleeping but I never want to go to bed early.

• Time is precious. Waste it wisely

• Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

• My favorite mythical creature: A Honest Politician.

• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it

• The longer the title the less important the job.

• It’s usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

• Silence is Golden. Duct tape is Silver :P

• Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

• You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

• I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

• Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

• If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

• I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

• God died for our sins, so if you don’t sin god died for nothing.

• I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

• so the oil leak finally stopped,way to go Obama..took you long enough

• I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

• Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

• I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.