- I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the
dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the
ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
Does liking a sad status update
mean I’m sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?
Everyone has an annoying friend.
If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
When I die, I want to go
peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming,
like the passengers in his car”.
What did the ocean say to the
other ocean? Nothing they just waved. Did you sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did, beach.
*Opens a pack of gum* Bam!
Everyone’s your best friend.
Nice food pictures people, please
keep it to yourself unless you’re planning on taking me along.
When people are singing Happy
Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look.
I get a sense of pride and
achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.
Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx.
3) ex.
I’m an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I remmember the time I was
kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said
he wanted more proof.
Worrying works! 90% of the things
I worry about never happen.
I thought I wanted a career, turns
out I just wanted paychecks.
Nothing sucks more than that
moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Never get into fights with ugly
people, they have nothing to lose.
We all have that one skinny friend
that eats more than fat person.
We live in a world where losing
your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied,
“I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Artificial intelligence is no
match for natural stupidity.
If you hurt my best friend, I will
make your death look like an accident.
People think it must be fun to be
a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up
with all the idiots in the world.
“Isn’t your pants’ zipper
supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
Cheese… milk’s leap toward
immortality.
You have a cough? Go home tonight,
eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
man….I could be eating a slow learner.
He’s so optimistic he’d buy a
burial suit with two pairs of pants.
I do not like broccoli. And I
haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me
eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going
to eat any more broccoli.
Marriages are made in heaven. But
so again, are thunder and lightning.
My son is now an
entrepreneur.Thats what you are called when you dont have a job.
A cynic is just a man who found
out when he was about ten that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and
he’s still upset.
The longer the title the less
important the job.
Just remember…if the world
didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn’t say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for
finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when
you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the
paint is wet?
We are all either fools or
undiscovered geniuses.
Some people say “If you can’t
beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat
them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you
will have the element of surprise.
No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m
feeling creative with weapons.You do not need a parachute to
skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
By the time a man realizes that
his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Better to remain silent and be
thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Some people are like Slinkies …
not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you
see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so
smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to
stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I totally take back all those
times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
A bank is a place that will lend
you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the
people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people
that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
The real reason women live longer
than men because they don’t have to live with women.
Children: You spend the first 2
years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I would rather try to carry 10
plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my
groceries in.
Some people hear voices.. Some see
invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
If winning is not everything why
do they keep score?
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even
the week says WTF !!
Change is inevitable, except from
a vending machine.
Girls are like roads, more the
curves, more the dangerous they are.
Women should not have children
after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
Lite: the new way to spell
“Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor,
every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like
throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know
but your eyesight is perfect.”
There are no winners in life…only
survivors.
Some cause happiness wherever they
go. Others whenever they go.
I love to give homemade gifts.
Which one of my kids do you want?
We are all part of the ultimate
statistic – ten out of ten die.
I am willing to make the mistakes
if someone else is willing to learn from them.
- Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
