Top 65 Funniest Status

• I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
  
• Does liking a sad status update mean I’m sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?
• Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”.
• What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved. Did you sea what I did there? I’m shore you did, beach.
• *Opens a pack of gum* Bam! Everyone’s your best friend.
• Nice food pictures people, please keep it to yourself unless you’re planning on taking me along.
• When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look.
• I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.
• Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.
• I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
• I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
• We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident.
• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
• “Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
• Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality.
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man….I could be eating a slow learner.
• He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
• I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• My son is now an entrepreneur.Thats what you are called when you dont have a job.
• A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and he’s still upset.
• The longer the title the less important the job.
• Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.
• Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
• The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• If winning is not everything why do they keep score?
• After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
• Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
• Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
• I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
• There are no winners in life…only survivors.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
• We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
• Without ME, it’s just AWESO.