Top 65 Funniest Status

• I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
  
• Does liking a sad status update mean I’m sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?
• Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”.
• What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved. Did you sea what I did there? I’m shore you did, beach.
• *Opens a pack of gum* Bam! Everyone’s your best friend.
• Nice food pictures people, please keep it to yourself unless you’re planning on taking me along.
• When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look.
• I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.
• Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.
• I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
• I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
• We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident.
• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
• “Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
• Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality.
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man….I could be eating a slow learner.
• He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
• I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• My son is now an entrepreneur.Thats what you are called when you dont have a job.
• A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and he’s still upset.
• The longer the title the less important the job.
• Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.
• Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
• The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• If winning is not everything why do they keep score?
• After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
• Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
• Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
• I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
• There are no winners in life…only survivors.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
• We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
• Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
  

Best Girl Impress status

1- Life is all about to live but my life is only about to live with you.
2- True love is hard to find and harder to hide.
3- You are the best blessing of my life the god gave me..
4- Never impress a girl with that who you are not, Be real and be brave..
5- I am in love with you along with all your flaws and imperfections.
6- Don’t waste your time in impressing other people, Do what you really want to do.
7- Your love makes my ordinary life into the fairy tale dream life.
8- I can change myself only for you not because you are my love but coz you are my life.
9- When you are not mad in the love, it simply means you are not in true love.
10- You are the only reason why I smile, I breath and I live.
11- To stay in love with one person forever is the best thing one can do.
12- I don’t want to be perfect, I just want to be with you now and always.
13- You are the one for whom I feel what I don’t feel for any one else..
14- I always imagine my future with you, Can you help you making my dream come true.
15- Your smile is the most beautiful smile I have ever seen..
16- I love to see your smile, your face, your eyes, and your love to me.
17- Love is just love, it is a strange feeling which can never be explained.
18- My feelings towards you never get vanished rather they get stronger with time.
19- I love you not because you are pretty but because I love you.
20- It feels so lonely in a crowdy area when you are not with me.
21- I was just like an ordinary man, your love made me special..
22- Loving you is by chance but to stay in love is my choice.
23- I will wait for you endlessly because actually no one replace you in my heart.
24- I try my best not to miss you but at the end I still do.
25- I am not perfect and I knew it but I am perfect for the girl like you.
26- You are the reason why I wake up every morning.
27- In order to make you smile, I can lose any thing in the world.
28- Loving you and to be loved back is the best thing of my entire life.
29- My heart beats so fast when I see you or even hear your name.
30- I have the best gift of my life and that’s you my princess..

Top Most Break Up Facebook Status

1. Just because I moved on doesn’t mean I won’t be here if you change your mind. You always have special place in my heart.
2. The moment you stop comparing yourself to others because it undermines your worth, education and your parent’s wisdom.
3. Love Is My Favorite Mistake
4. When someone says, “You’ve Changed”, It simply means you’ve stopped living your life their way.
5. “People always think the most painful thing is to lose the one you love. In truth, the most painful thing is to lose YOURSELF, and not even realize it until it’s too late. ”
6. The moment you realize that you were always the right person. Only ignorant people walk away from greatness.”
7. wanting his is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, even with all the hurt i’ve felt, letting go is the most painful yet…
8. When This IS Over, Remember, I didn’t WALK Away, You Pushed Me Away..
9. There is always that person in life that you give several chances, it’s because you love them more than you hate them.
10. I just hope that you miss me a little when I’m gone.
11. I would like to shot by Hitler instead of living with a rude friend like you.
12. The moment you believe that love is not about losing or winning. It is just a few moments in time, followed by an eternity of situations to grow from.
13. Once you learn to be happy alone you won’t tolerate anyone who can’t make you just as happy.
14. Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel.
15. Women are strong and independent. Guys think we will break down when they leave, but it just makes us stronger and it kills them to see us move on.
16. Just becoz we dont have future together..
17. Once you learn to be happy alone you won’t tolerate anyone who can’t make you just as happy.
18. I’learning how to be okay without you. and i can’t wait for the day when i get to look at you and feel absolutely nothing…
19. thank you; you made my mind up for me when you started to ignore me.
20. Never allow loneliness to drive you back into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with.
21. When your life has a crisis, you find out who your true friends are. They will stand by you through it, and still be there after the dust settles.
22. The moment you realize that happiness was never about getting a person. They are only a helpmate towards achieving your life mission
23. The most painful memory I have is of when I walked away and you let me leave.
24. Once someone cheats in the relationship, there’s NO reason go stay. If they truly loved you they would’ve never cheated!
25. Sometimes, only pain and patience can prove it….
26. We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong person. but one thing is sure, mistakes help us find the right person.
27. doesn’t mean we dnt love each other ¤ *
28. when this is over, remember, i didn’t walk away, you pushed me away…
29. Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong, disposable.
30. Love can’t be prove with poems, promise or presents…. Sometimes, only pain and patience can prove it….
31. Just because I moved on doesn’t mean I won’t be here if you change your mind. You always have special place in my heart.
32. The heart was made to be broken.
33. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
34. Blood is red, Bruises are blue, This is what you’ll look like, When I’m done with you
35. i don’t regret what happened between us i just wish us never happened
36. Love can’t be prove with poems, promises or presents….
37. A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.
38. Going out with an ex is like re-reading a book. You already know whats going to happen.
39. Never compare a man to a dog. Dogs are loyal. They don’t cheat, they don’t lie. Most of all, they never bit the hand that fed them.
40. ever miss yourself? the person you were before you had your first heartbreak or before you got betrayed by a person you trusted? i do
41. I will never learn to stop loving you I’m just learning how to live without you and move on without you there by my side.

20 Mind Blowing Facebook Status Posts

1. Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
2. I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook ever added a “Dislike” button.
3. Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
4. It doesn’t matter who likes us as long as we like us.
5. I’m not antisocial. I just have cable, Internet and a dog. What more do I need?
6. Do you ever write an earlier date on a school paper to make it seem like you didn’t do it the night before its due?
7. I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
8. If we hate the same people we’re already friends.
9. Sometimes I feel like the only one that likes music that is played with actual instruments…
10. I hate being so busy that I can’t do personal things at work.
11. Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
12. Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
13. I have never faked a sarcasm in my life.
14. The only disability in life is a bad attitude.
15. Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
16. That awkward moment when graduates who were SO pumped to be done with college are SO over this whole real world thing.
17. Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
18. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time on Netflix trying to find something to watch, than I actually spend time watching.
19. Sharks kill about 5 people yearly, vending machines kill 23. Do I really want that bag of Doritos? Hmmm…
20. Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.

Happy Friendship Day Status for Whatsapp 2017

1. “True Friends are born, not made”  Happy Friendship Day.

2. Friendship is not a big thing it’s a million little things.

3. Dua karte hain hum sar jhukaaye, Aye dost tuu apni manzil hmse jaldi paye…

4. Friends are the light of life. Hold a true friend with both your hands. Happy Friendship Day..

5. Friendship is not a big thing – it’s a million small things. Happy Friendship Day…!!!

6. A friend is someone who knows all about U and still loves U.

7. Dosti ka yeh tohfa yaad rakhna, #Dil k ek kone me hmara b naam rkhna.Happy Friendship Day..

8. Friends show their love in Trouble times..  Happy Friendship Day.??

9. !!A faithful friend is the medicine of life”That remove all Pain. Happy Friendship Day.

10. Tumhari yaadon ko yun bhula naa payenge hum, Dost ho dosti ki kasam zindagi bhar yaad ayenge hum.

11. In a friends you find a 2nd self”. Happy Friendship Day…

12. Gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness… Happy Friendship Day… 

13. Someone who likes you most, sometimes hurts you,  but  he is the only one who feels your pain. Happy Friendship Day..

14. !!If you ever need a hand…You will always find mine Hand… Happy Friendship Day dear friend!!

15. Friendship is the most pure relation in the universe. Happy Friendship Day.

16. Love is blind; #friendship closes its eyes….

17. !!True friendship are seen through the heart,not through the eyes… Happy Friendship Day..

18. Friendship is a tomorrow, yesterday, today and everyday. Happy Friendship Day..

19. A True Friends Is that Which can Stand with us in Difficult time…

20. The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend..

21. Friendship is like one mind in two bodies…

Teri Muskurahat Meri Pehchan Thi,
Teri Khusi Meri shaan Thi,
Kuchh Bhee Nahii tere bina Meri Jindaagi me,
Bas Itna Samaj Le,
Teri Dosti Hee Meri JAAŅ Thi……

Jab se aapko jana hai,
Jab se aap sa dost paya hai,
Har dua me aap ka naam aaya hai,
Dil karata hai punchu us rab se ke,
Kya itna pyara dost sirf mere liye banaya hai.